Dead sperm donorMonkey News

Doctors plan to solve Britain’s sperm shortage by raising the dead

Ironically, given the number of wankers living in the UK, there is a significant shortage of British sperm donors. The shortfall in national sperm stock is made up by foreign donors, with Scandinavian sperm proving to be the most popular.

Popular Scandanavian sperm donor

In order to address this shortfall, Doctors have proposed harvesting dead men’s sperm. They argue that if you’re taking a heart, liver or spleen helping yourself to a nutful of protein shouldn’t be a problem.

Raising the dead

One potential donor, Ian Napton, said, “I’m not dead yet, but given that I haven’t had sex in the last 10 years I am thoroughly looking forward to it, at least I’ll die with a smile on my face.” However, his wife had a different view, “Unless they’ve gotten hold of his golf clubs, they’ll get nothing.”

Meanwhile, National Hero, soldier and sexual icon, Mark Francois is allegedly disgusted by the thought of British women being impregnated with foreign sperm and has selflessly volunteered to come forward and make up the shortfall.

Mark Francois Homunculus
Mark Francois, British volunteer sperm donor

Hopeful mothers were quick to respond, “Thank you for the kind offer but we’ll stick to the Vikings”, said one.

Reports that the National Sperm Bank plan’s to launch a fleet of Wetherspoon Sponsored mobile donor units, similar to the Blood Donor trucks, are unconfirmed.

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