Mike Cashley signs contract to employ the Legions of The Damned to man his stores, during the Corona Crisis.

Sports Direct owner and minimum wage exploiter Mike Cashley, has faced mounting criticism that he was not doing his bit. So, the businessman has let all of his zero hours, non-contract, workers go home without pay, while he finds other ways to keep the tills ticking over.

Following a midnight meeting at The Crossroads Motel, with a Mr S Atan, Mike signed a deal to ensure Sports Direct stores would be permanently manned. Idle Hands Industries will supply the Legions of The Damned, The Undead, and diverse disembodied spirits to operate the shops.  

“This is brilliant, we should have thought of this earlier. The new staff are fantastic.  They don’t take breaks, holidays or time off for sickness. HR says all they need is a needle and thread to sew bits back on with and they are good to go. Do you know what’s best? All Mr S Atan wanted in return was my eternal soul, and as it doesn’t exist, I was happy to sign it over.” Said Mike the Cash.

Once the crisis is over, Mr Cashley plans to carry on using Zombie staff across the group.  “The customers seem to prefer the Undead finding them friendlier and more personal than the underpaid, overworked, children I was using.”