Monkey Life

Lawyers acting for the baby demand paternity test

Lawyers acting on behalf of the new born son of Carrie Symonds are demanding a paternity test in the hope it can be proven that Boris Johnson is not the father.

Guided by the science!

The infant, as yet without a public name, will have to carry the curse of being the son of Boris if other biological options aren’t available, and Human Rights groups have campaigned for the child to be spared this ignominy.

The child currently has an unknown number of siblings and ITV has expressed an interest in featuring the child on its hit show, “Long Lost Families,” presented by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell.

Ms Symonds is well known among the Cabinet, but it’s unclear as to exactly how well known she was last year, and whether this might open up other paternal options.

Her experience at the top of the Conservative Party has unwittingly given rise to a new sport among young London socialites. “Bagging a Tory” is now considered a decent career path for young women able to bypass their own moral code.

‘Bagging a Tory’

Spokesmen for Eton College, Oxford University and Ford Open Prison have confirmed that places are being held, pending confirmation of paternity.

University to offer Degree in GoT

Meanwhile, Boris continues.

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