Sat. Sep 25th, 2021

Any secret squirrel coming to work in Britain, must register with the Home Office. New arrivals need to obtain a provisional licence, granting them a temporary ‘Right to Spy’.

They will then have 6 months to demonstrate that they are capable of discovering state secrets. During that period they must break into the Home Office and change their record to show they have complied. Failure to do so means loss of their ‘Right to Spy and a short trip to an underground lair.

On the other hand, Civil Servants are bracing themselves for a bumper year of sexual favours, cash donations and ‘exotic’ holidays.

“We want Britain to become the World Centre of Spying Excellence. Our Government believes that when it comes to lying, cheating and duplicitous skulduggery the British establishment is world-beating.”

Intelligence Committee Member, aka ‘CG’

Once the scheme is up and running, it’s expected that student spies from foreign countries will want to come here to study. This could be a very lucrative opportunity for Oxbridge Universities, now that it’s much harder for them to milk Chinese students for large sums of cash.

There are concerns that this would make the UK vulnerable to attack by Russian spies. However, the Government doesn’t see this as an issue,

“There is one thing Russia doesn’t need to bother spying on, and that’s the British Government. No, they bought that years ago.”


In expectation that other nations will also force British spies to register with foreign governments, our secret agents will now change their names to James Bond. “That’ll show them!” said CG.

Meanwhile, the government continues


By Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!