Monkey Business

Apple are the big winners as Huawei lose Voice of God contract

God has booted Huawei out of the Voice of God network.

The Voice of God network is out of date and in need of an upgrade. In the relentless battle for likes, clicks and followers, billions of people are using the social media “Pray For …” channels and the system can’t cope. This means Heaven needs to upgrade to Big G.

Initially, God chose Huawei as the preferred supplier. Their use of idle hands during the manufacturing process ensures their equipment is cheaper.

However, after intensive lobbying by Apple, God is choosing a different path.

“It’s important customers have faith in our network.  When they call the Voice of God network, a clear and reliable connection is vital. I am getting on a bit, and my hearing is starting to go, only recently I took 360 million calls asking me to ‘Stop Donald Trump winning’, but I didn’t hear the word ‘Stop’. Absolute disaster!”

God, The Almighty

This isn’t the first scandal to bedevil Huawei. The company recently rebranded, from Beelzebub Telecommunications (BT), after it was discovered that their broadband network contract was used to harvest the souls of the innocent.  

Huawei claimed that. “this is either, a plot to discredit a fine upstanding organisation, racism or none of your bloody business”.

Old Harry, Huawei spokesperson

The new contract will go to Apple. “I used them when I started in the God business, and they did a great job. I had concerns that they wouldn’t be able to cope with the modern world, but their offer was too tempting to ignore! Although their technology looks outdated, they assure me it’s still up to the job.” Said a God.

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