Thu. Oct 29th, 2020

Progress towards Armageddon is on hold according to a press statement issued by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The statement says that the Horsemen are locked down and can’t foresee a normal business being resumed until the COVID-19 pandemic is over.

Regrettably, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse must inform customers and investors that business has been suspended until further notice due to a number of complex operational constraints.

Ian Napton, Apocalypse Services, Director of Communication

Pestilence is in quarantine having tested positive for COVID-19. Which is unsurprising really, as he carries every disease known to mankind (and several others that you suckers have no idea about yet).

Likewise, War is in lockdown because he is actually omnipresent in every conflict zone on the planet, including those on the Department of Transport list of travel restricted countries. Also, he has a tendency to invade people’s personal space and break social distancing rules, usually wielding a flaming edged sword.

Famine has gone missing after being sent to the supermarket for supplies. He is not responding to our calls and texts, although the corporate credit card appears to be taking one hell of a hammering. Just how many flame-grilled burgers can one deity eat and still be hungry?

The only Horseman still out and about is Death. He is impervious to COVID-19 and cannot carry or transmit the disease, on account of already being dead and having a skeletal body without a respiratory system.

Death left his sepulchre this morning twirling his scythe and whistling ‘Don’t fear the Reaper’ by the Blue Öyster Cult.

St Jude, Patron saint of lost causes and Brexit

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By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!