Wed. Apr 14th, 2021
Donald refuses to leave the Whitehouse

MUNICH, GERMANY – Amid calls for his immediate removal as Chancellor, Adolf Hitler remained defiant this afternoon, insisting he hadn’t intended to incite riot when he instructed his adherents to storm the streets of Munich and seize power at any cost.

I may have fired a shotgun into the air and declared that either the revolution began tonight or I would be dead by morning – but the last thing I wanted was for any sort of violence to break out.

cried the German dictator, eyes swivelling and fist pounding his chest

As a pacifist, vegetarian and dog lover, I disavow the actions of everybody who did exactly what I told them to.

The authoritarian despot distanced himself from the Swastika adorned and ‘Machen Deutschland Wunderbar Again’ hatted mob, which surrounded the beerhall in a terrifying wave of extremist horror, five minutes after he pointed the way there. “Perhaps they misunderstood,” posited Hitler. “I actually said we should have a final push for drinks, cause it was last orders.”

“Similarly, I didn’t expect anyone to really torch the Reichstag when I said we must burn down the symbols of democracy,” continued the Fuhrer, in a carefully choreographed Twitter video directed by Leni Riefenstahl. “My distribution of matches and oiled rags to the gathered masses was purely coincidental.”

In fact, every dramatic strike against my enemies witnessed across thirteen years of tyranny was a complete accident. Kristallnacht, the Night of the Long Knives, even the Second World War – nowt to do with me, guv.

A demure and contrite Adolf

Said Donald Trump, “World War Two was stolen from rightful World President Hitler. Believe me.”

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By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

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