CLAPHAM COMMON, LONDON – The Met Police declared that the streets had been successfully reclaimed late last night, after cracking down on a legal demonstration held by women protesting male violence. The London policing organisation stated the threat had been ‘neutralised’ as it congratulated itself on a job well done.

“Our response was so incredibly proportional. What those women did was completely unacceptable, look at them all standing there, holding signs and making speeches. Despicable. They were terrifying innocent ‘free speech’ campaigners and contributors to the Telegraph. We had no choice but to reclaim the night from these peaceful demonstrators with just the sort of disproportionate violence carried out by men that they were here to descry.”

Cressida Dick, Self-congratulatory Oppressor

“This more than makes up for our plethora of failings in the Sarah Everard case; not the least of which is our promotion of a macho culture of aggression and toxic masculinity that results in attacks on women.”

Debates over the vigil had centred on whether the event could abide by coronavirus restrictions, but The Met cleverly shifted the conversation to the more timeless issue of police brutality.

“I am really proud of myself,” said one hulking sergeant, pinning a masked twenty-year-old woman face down on the ground as attendees around him dispersed in terror. “I’ve done my bit to make our streets safer by reminding women that they cannot expect protection from law enforcement agencies or those in positions of power either. In fact, quite the opposite. Nowhere is safe.”

Sergeant Diplodocus, Woke Dinosaur

“This is what policing looks like in the 21^st century,” concluded Dick, gesturing towards the scene of heavily armed constables handcuffing women and bundling them into the back of vans. “We have judged this one really well.”