Monkey Business

5-yr-old brought in to explain Liz Truss’s energy cap to Liz Truss

Liz Truss, Prime Minister, took to local radio to defend her economic policy.

The country’s cockles were warmed by hearing Lizzie fail to answer pre-prepared questions, make sense or be factually accurate.

One issue relates to her repeated assertion that no family will pay more than £2,500 for their energy use. It turns out this is not true. There is no cap on the maximum amount a family can pay to heat their home, cook food and wash the children. The cap refers to the maximum amount the energy companies can charge, and the amount people pay relates to how much they use.

To stop Liz from making this kind of elementary mistake again, her advisors brought in Tim Cratchit (5) to explain the energy cap.

Using edible crayons and blank paper, Tim and Liz sat down to go over the figures.

“Listen up, thickie,” said Tim.

“You put a cap on how much energy companies could charge per unit of energy. Here is a picture of Noddy with a cap on his head. Then you said that “based on typical use, families would pay £2,500”. Now, can you see how this differs from your statement, “no family will pay more than £2,500 for energy?” And take that crayon out of your nose.” He added.

“But that’s what I said! Isn’t Play-Doh tasty? Hungry families could eat this.” replied Liz.

“Jesus!” Exclaimed Tim, “Are you the best we’ve got?”

“Look, if you cap the unit price but the family uses more energy than the average they will pay more than £2,500 to run their home. For example, if you are a 73-year-old pensioner living on state subsidy in a 775-room house in Central London, you will use a lot of energy to keep the Champagne chilled, the electric horse blankets on and the pool heated. You won’t pay £2,500. Now, do you see?” said Tim, before adding “For God’s sake, woman, don’t eat it!”

At this point, Tim gave up and returned to playing with his trains. Whether Liz understands her policy or not is another matter.

Meanwhile, your government continues.