At this year’s conference, increasingly desperate Tories will embark on a campaign of distraction, dog whistle politics and outright bribery to try to win back voters.

By cancelling cancel culture, waging a war on woke and introducing a series of grifts, they promise nothing different from the last ten years. They will try to distinguish themselves from other parties by rewarding the have’s and buggering the have not’s, with the rallying cry of “All for one, and more for me!”.

The biggest headline-grabbing distraction is an escalation of the culture war on woke. Under a revision of the BBC impartiality rules, Gary Lineker, Carole Vorderman and Dr Who will be banned, whilst Laurence Fox will take over presenting duties on Match of the Day. The Daily Mail are delighted, with their Monte Carlo dwelling, billionaire non-dom claiming that “This will make my knuckle-dragging readership come in their pants.”. 

But, the main policy changes relate to the crashed economy, which the Government claim is nothing to do with them.

Jeremy Hunt’s cunning plan will get millennials onto the housing ladder before they’re fifty. The new ‘Nanicide’ Rules will allow young people to knock off their home-owning Nan and Grandad. “Not only will this let our young people get on the property ladder, it will also reduce NHS costs and trim the pension budget! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!”

“We are also going to subsidise private schools. These schools are a great service to the public. By taking clever, beautiful, and rich children out of the state-funded system, they reduce the burden on public services; hard-working parents shouldn’t have to pay for doing their bit. They will be able to offset the fees against their taxes!” said the Hunt.

He went on to outline why it was unfair that he had to buy seven properties to avoid stamp duty and proposed abolishing the duty on houses, dividends and stock portfolios for anyone worth over £3 million. “Sorry, Mr Farage, but you must draw the line somewhere.”

When asked about funding the NHS, he replied, “Bunch of bastards, you know I was in charge there for years. Did they thank me? No, of course they bloody well didn’t. Well, sod ‘em, go private, I do.”

The Chancellor also announced measures to incentivise wealth hoarding creation; Billionaires will receive complimentary blow-jobs, opening up fantastic opportunities for young people to get ahead.

Having seen absolutely no improvement in poll rankings following their campaign to ‘Stand Up For The Common Motorist’, the Government plans to revitalise the car wars. Only Tory Voters will be allowed a driving licence, and one lane on all motorways will be reserved for cars with a minimum value of £75,000. Grant Le Shatt pointed out, “This will revive the British Car Industry, not that we care about that, and shorten the journey between Westminster and my large pile of cash!”.

We asked Keir Starmer for his opinion on the new policies, but he remains in hiding.

Meanwhile, your Government continues.