Following the latest disclosures from Dominic ‘I’m ‘kin’ Cumming, the officials announced a shortage of swear words.

The Inquiry knew it was in trouble after 4,563 fuxs were given during the afternoon session. This was followed by 386 kunts, 986 fukk-pigs, 732 wanky-kunt-balls and a tsunami of Hancocks.

An urgent appeal has asked for further supplies of uniquely British swear words. If you have some kunting-window-lickers, jizz monkeys or bloviated cockwombles lying around, please forward them to the relevant government department.

To shore up the nation’s obscenity reserves, songs by The Kunts (formerly Kunt and the Gang), such as Fuck The Tories and Boris Johnson is a Kucking Funt are to be re-released. Meanwhile, officials are rewatching The Thick of It to see if Malcolm Tucker can inspire the Inquiry with some suitable bon mot. Who doesn’t recall ‘He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo”, “You’re a fucking omnishambles.” And the all-time classic, “From bean to cup, you fuck up.” Genius.

While government supporters have condemned the language used in various WhatsApp messages, none were prepared to release their WhatsApp messages to the Inquiry. The Head of the Inquiry said that it wasn’t up to her to pass judgement on why ‘the incompetent, criminal, lying shit-weasels had all managed to lose their phones on the same kuntin day.”

The Conservative Party wanted to make it very clear that the rampant use of profanity within the government was entirely the fault of working class oiks who were brought in to do the actual work. Jacob Piss-Frog explained, “We, the properly educated, don’t use profanity this way; we prefer to insult the lower orders in Latin. It really is a mark of one’s class. After all, when we say ‘fuking have it’, we’ve already got it!”

They also wanted to clarify that Jeremy Hunt is not rhyming slang, no matter what he’s done. The nation may disagree.

So, it over to you, if you have a bastard bell-end, cochsucking nonce or rapey pedo insult that hasn’t been used to describe a member of parliament, send it to The Pointless Inquiry, Lawyers Grift, U dumb fuch nugget, London.

Meanwhile, your government continues.