Monkey Life

On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman

It’s St Valentine’s Day and men the length and breadth of the country are making last minute decisions on what they need to buy for the ladies in their lives in order to maximise their chances of having sex tonight.

Ian Napton, a commuter at Paddington Station told us, “Last year, I planned the occasion some weeks in advance, buying chocolates in the January sales at Thornton’s. It all backfired when Gillian pointed out on Valentine’s night that the sell-by date was 20th January and I hadn’t noticed. Needless to say, I felt a chump and got the cold shoulder. This year I have been meticulous in my planning, and I know Aldi doesn’t close until 10pm, so I’ll be able to pick up some Milk Tray on the way home. They might even have some £2 bunches of daffodils left.”

But not everyone has planned their purchases. Giles St. John-Smith said, “Clarissa and I normally start the day with smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, then we head into Bond Street. I try not to spend more than a few thousand. One tries to be thoughtful, but not too extravagant.”

Outside of the capital, it seems that money is seldom spent in remarkable amounts. Derek Higginbottom, from Halifax, told us, “Our lass will pick up some chips on the way home. I’m spending nowt else.”

Our three correspondents take their own approaches to Valentine’s wooing, and one thing is certain. Whether spending money or not, none of them is getting laid tonight.

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