The regulator tasked with cleaning up the Financial Services industry has been found to have been in need of cleaning its own act up.

The Financial Conduct Authority, frequently compared in terms of usefulness with chocolate teapots, has admitted its staff don’t have the best standards of behaviour around the office.

A spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous because he ultimately hopes to get a better-paid job in the City, told us, “We have a problem with people defecating in places they aren’t supposed to. We had a staff meeting and asked people if they’d do a poo anywhere other than in the toilet at home, and we were surprised when such a high number said they would. We’re not keen to visit their homes.”

The FCA has occupied its new premises at Stratford in East London for less than two years and, already, staff have made it look like a student squat. The spokesman said, “When we were based in Canary Wharf, everyone behaved impeccably. It seems that now we’re next door to West Ham United, people feel they can behave differently.”

The casual theft of office equipment is routine, and to be expected, but senior personnel are at a loss to explain how staff members go to the trouble of securing themselves in toilet cubicles, but then crap on the floor rather than in the conveniently located toilet.

“We think staff have taken too literally our corporate motto, ‘Cleaning up crap across the industry’ but our office cleaners aren’t amused.”

“Is it any wonder that naughty IFAs and Fund Managers get away with murder when regulators can’t even crap in a toilet?” one investor asked.