Thu. Jul 7th, 2022
Nicola Sturgeon

Can I just say how delighted I am by this result. With there only being one party in Scotland it was a real honour for us to finish second. Nothing characterises being Scottish more than losing, especially when winning seemed the easier option.

SNP, nearly winning

The reduction in our vote share and having fewer MPs in Parliament means that we can concentrate our efforts on what the Scottish people really want, a chance to stick it to the feckin’ English.

Our campaign for a weekly vote on Scottish independence will continue. We will redouble our efforts to show that Scotland will be better off when she stands on her own two feet, when we’re an independent nation with all of our rules and laws made in Brussels.

I have a dream. A dream that one day Hadrian’s Wall is rebuilt, with border checkpoints forming an impenetrable tartan barrier.

I have a dream that one day, Scotland will retake Edinburgh from the English. This jewel in the Scottish crown should be for Scots, not a pleasure park for the English Middle Classes.

Edinburgh Fringe
Edinburgh Fringe

We will form an alliance with the other English hating Nations, the Welsh, the Irish and the French. Creating an independent league of nations, with common values and quality alcohol. A community where we can go freely from pub to pub, absolutely tootered out of our noodles.

Tootered out of our noodles

No more will we feel the Oxford Brogue of oppression, the bowler hat of belittlement nor suffer the shame and self-loathing felt the following morning, by one of Boris’s discarded conquests.

I have a dream that as a nation, we will not be forgotten, I dream that I will be listened to by someone that matters and that in a strong vibrant Scotland any true born Scot can afford a hotel room in Edinburgh in August. 


By The Chatty Chump

Given his name by The Editor for good reason, although both parties refuse to speak of it. Lucky to still have a tyre swing.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!