Wed. Oct 21st, 2020
Announcing ftherhood

Satan, Devourer of Worlds, Lord of The Underworld and Cleaver of Souls has announced that he’s to be a father.

After the failure of Damian, Rosemary’s Baby and Regan, the Father of Lies decided that he’d have another go.

I am delighted that this time the seed took, it doesn’t always. Quite often the horror of my naked self drives woman insane and they’re unable to breed. Over the years I’ve worked my way through lots of them, but thanks to modern pharmaceuticals and alcohol this one didn’t break and we have viable spawn.”

Messages of congratulation have poured in. Donald Trump said “Hey Big Guy I hope this doesn’t affect our deal!” whilst Mr Putin commented, “Don’t worry our plans are well underway and the world will be in total chaos by the time your boy takes over”.

The Dark Lord is delighted by the news and, in celebration, is forcing the damned to watch Piers Morgan programmes on eternal repeat. “As you get older you want to take things a bit easier, put your feet up and relax. I’ve been torturing the souls of the damned every day for 2,000 years, it gets a bit wearing. Handing over the reins to my son will give me more time to work on my golf handicap.”

Daddy’s little helper

His Holiness welcomed the news, believing that the imminent birth of the seventh Anti-Christ will revitalise the Church. Having watched lots of Marvel movies, The Cardinals believe Christianity’s decline in popularity is because there hasn’t been a viable opponent to thwart.

“We have a few years to prepare and I can assure the faithful that we are committed to thwarting the devil child. This time we’re hoping that Netflix options the film rights, they have bags of cash.” Explained Cardinal Gianni Napatoni.

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By Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

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