Arse v ManMonkey Games

Corona Virus upgraded to ‘kin serious now that a football match has been moved

Britain has admitted that the Corona Virus outbreak is really serious now that a football match has been cancelled. Manchester City will now play Arsenal at a later, less diseased, time.

Until now, with so few people actually dead in Britain, Coronavirus has merely been a tremendous excuse not to go to work, but the rearrangement of a Premiership match has shifted the public compass.

“It’s terrible,” Ian Napton, a football fan, told us. “We have enough trouble keeping up with dates and kick off times being moved to accommodate Sky TV. Now this.”

And it’s not only football which is being impacted. In other Coronavirus news, the Health Secretary, Nadine Dorries, was tested positive for the nastiness. “The NHS employee who tested me was unsure if it was the virus or an even rarer condition called Toryitis. This is a condition thought to impact mainly on others rather than the carrier themselves. In the end, since I could hardly breathe, they decided it was Coronavirus,” Ms Dorries told us.

Cough, Cough!

Observers have speculated that an out-of-control potentially fatal disease, a crashing stockmarket and wider economy and another child in your fifties are the least you deserve to have to deal with when you lie and cheat your way to becoming the prime minister.

Meanwhile, the government continues.

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