EPL DeciderMonkey Business

Premier League season to be finished using Subbuteo

Determined to finish The Premier League season, the EPL will ensure all matches are completed by making teams play Subbuteo. This means they will not have to refund any money to TV Broadcasters, sponsors and various dodgy businessmen.

Subbuteo was popular in the 1970s and 1980s. The game involves using small plastic figures, painted to vaguely represent teams. The players are ‘flicked’ to move the ball. Following a series of judicious ‘flicks’, the ball passes from player to player, before one side spectacularly fails to score. It is very realistic.

Before the introduction of video games and TV shows with scantily clad ladies riding on dragons, Subbuteo was inexplicably popular with young boys.

Tits and Dragons
Tits and Dragons

Matches will be played on Zoom thus allowing teams to follow social distancing rules. For a fee, fans will be able to every match online and join in the fun by providing direct feedback on the action using a series of specially designed emojis.

Gary Lineker is delighted with the return of real football. “Commentary will be a challenge, given that many teams will see a dramatic increase in skill level.” Asked for a prediction as to how the league will finish, he said “Who knew Jamie Vardy was so good at Subbuteo? Leicester’s second title, it’s amazing! and no, I don’t mind presenting Match of The Day without any pants on.”

Saint Lineker

Meanwhile, BT Sport has paid £1 Billion to secure exclusive rights to next season’s ‘Subbuteo Championship’, in the hope that someone, somewhere, will sign up to BT Broadband.

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