Thu. Jul 7th, 2022

Meh! Britannia.

In a move to boost national morale, the UK Government is to introduce a “National Optimism Bill” implementing a number of motivational initiatives to “perk up” the beleaguered population, Meh! Britannia.

Inspired by Jacob Rees-Mogg playing “Rule Britannia” on his mobile phone, one initiative will see a “Mighty Wurlitzer” organ replacing the Speaker’s chair in the House of Commons; evoking the patriotism inherent in the Music Halls and Picture Houses of yesteryear. 

Parliamentary sessions will commence with the Speaker rising up through the floor playing a piece of music appropriate to the session. It will lend an air of national pride and gravitas to occasions such as Prime Ministers Question Time.

J Goebbels, Department of Culture

In another initiative, a parliamentary intern has been awarded a £4bn contract to restart Spitfire production in Swindon when the Honda factory there closes down. Critics of the project were shouted down by ministers, who pointed out that the intern had relevant experience gained by building several model aircraft, including a radio-controlled model of a Spitfire MKV. 

Once again the sound of Spitfires barrelling across the sky will swell the hearts of the British public. Although current environmental regulations require them to be fitted with catalytic converters and noise suppressors; so it will be more of a gentle buzz really.

Grant Shapps, Transport Supremo

The implementation of the initiatives launched will be overseen by a new National Optimism Branch of the Department of Digital and Culture. Recruitment of a leader for the post of N.O.B. Head will start shortly. 


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

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