Apparently Vladimir Putin is being considered for the role of Bond Villain Number One, in the next instalment of the Bond, James Bond, film franchise.

You see, as producers we want to bring more authenticity to the role of the evil tyrant, callous murderer and arch-criminal. With this in mind, we are considering several real-life, world-class villains. Putin is the current favourite as ex-KGB super-killers are very on-trend.

Jocasta Napatone, Film Producer

We met up with Vlad in his secret underground bunker and asked him how he felt about being nominated for the role.

Well, when the Broccoli’s come knocking, a guy from the mean streets of St Petersburg can’t say no. This would be the highlight of my career. I’d be loved, admired and worshipped as a big, strong man with an enormous penis.

Vlad the Bad, button mushroom man

A quick scoot around Vlad the Bad’s Wikipedia page shows that Vladi is a method actor and a disciple of Stanislavski’s work. We asked him about this.

It is all about inhabiting the role, becoming the person you want to be. So, for example, if I want to be a cruel, callous super-villain in the movie, I have to be one in real life too. As part of inhabiting the character, I got a cat and moved to this secret underground base.

After that, it became obvious that the next step was to get my armies together, order up the black uniforms with the big hat and invade Ukraine.  There is nothing like the wholesale slaughter, indiscriminate bombing and worldwide images of suffering children to show what a nasty little shit I can be. If I don’t get the part after this, I’ll be very disappointed.

Vlad the Bad, Little Shit

The producers are very pleased with the commitment that Little Puttie is showing.

We met with Puttie, and he did a good job of convincing us that he is the man for the part. TBF, it was when he offered to have us crucified in front of a bus full of nuns that we felt he’d really got into the heart of the character. Kim Jong Un was only going to flay us alive, but somehow this lacked a sense of theatre. Although, we did like the idea of shooting the first person to stop clapping his speeches. We might nick that one.

Jocasta Napatone, morally challenged Hollywood type

The film’s producers are also looking to cast Boris Johnson as villain Number 2.

He will make a great comedy sidekick. His particular style of idiotic, bumbling slapstick will lighten the mood and give the audience a good laugh. It will break the dramatic tension caused by the slaughter of the innocents.

The film will be in theatre for the rest of 2022 and most of 2023. Although it will, ironically, be unavailable in Russia.