Accused of not doing enough to help Ukrainian refugees fleeing from a brutal war, Priti Patel claims she should be made a saint for her humanitarian response.

“I’d just like to repeat St Boris’s lie that no country has done more to help Ukrainian refugees than Little England. Not only have I ensured our safety by allowing exceedingly rich crooks, torturers and arms dealers to come here and generously donate to the Conservative Party, but I’ve also ensured none of the poorer people can get in.”

St Priti the Pitiless

Speaking to the House about the increasing number of refugees claiming that they cannot get permission to come to the UK because of Home Office barriers, Priti confirmed that in an immediate response, 11 days after the invasion began, she authorised the setting up of a pop-up bar in Calais.

“You should see their faces light up when they see the salsa, guacamole and tortillas, and the Mariachi Band lifts their spirits. Of course, not everyone can afford £8 for a taco, but that is the market rate. If they think it is too expensive, they won’t like London.”

Priti Patel, Bully

At least one MP asked, why didn’t you set up a proper pop-up processing centre? With Home Office staff to issue visas? To which she answered

“We have just spent the last ten years telling everyone that foreigners are responsible for everything wrong in the country and that we must keep them out. How would it look if I suddenly allowed some of them to come here to find kindness, compassion and a place of safety? It would be electoral suicide.” 

Priti Patel, Not a Bully, (I paid him because I did nothing wrong)

The Governments Defence

The Government are continuing with their defence, claiming that we cannot let in the sick, the frail and the elderly because they may be Russian spies. They also deny that it is because Putin wouldn’t like it.

At least one commentator wondered why they would bother sending in spies when they can buy whoever and whatever they want. And, given that Putin can poison a man in a Salisbury tea room just because he feels like it, what damage do they think an 80-year-old grandma in a wheelchair will do?

Meanwhile, Parliamentary colleagues condemned Priti Patel for being the callous, evil, heartless-bitch she is.