Following Boris Johnson’s triumphant farewell tour of Tory-voting Britain, the Pope has noted his many miracles and is to elevate him to the pantheon of Saints.
Until Boris’s tour, many of us had forgotten his many achievements, often done in the face of adversity, public opinion and angry husbands and boyfriends.
Whilst his critics focus on some of the negatives; failing to declare income, misleading the House of Commons, lying to the Queen, having secret meetings with Russian spies, killing 200,000 of his citizens, lying to the House of Commons, having illegal parties, lying to the House of Commons, lying to the police, protecting his rich mates, shagging any available woman within reach, rewriting UK and Parliamentary law, filling the rivers and seas with shit, introducing the highest tax rates since the war, bringing back inflation to levels not seen since the 1970s, starving children, lying to the house, bankrupting hundreds of thousands of businesses, raising food prices to their highest level, making heating the home unaffordable, overseeing COVID Corruption amounting to tens of Billions of pounds, appointing Liz Truss, Nadine Dorries and Dominic Raab to the cabinet and then, there is Brexit…
However, The Pope sees past this. His Holiness reckons anyone who can stay in power after doing all that and still be the preferred choice of the Tory faithful is a miracle worker. “We could do with someone like that in the Church; imagine what we could get away then!”
Nadine Dorries welcomed the decision, “I am not surprised; I’ve been saying for years that he is the chosen one. He certainly worked miracles on me!”
Once canonised, Boris will be known as Saint Boris of Bumbletown and become the patron saint of liars, cheats and swindlers.
In his acceptance speech, he unveiled his forgiveness scheme, where he will absolve the wealthy of any sins on payment of a sizeable donation to an offshore bank account.
“After all, forgiveness is at the heart of the Christian religion, and I am a forgiving kind of guy!”
He went on to say that, like his idol, Jesus, he is looking forward to his resurrection. “One day, I will be back in Downing Street”, he threatened.
Meanwhile, your government continues.