Monkey Business

Universal Credit claimants welcome the chance to hide their money in UK-Based tax-havens

Those on the lowest incomes took the streets yesterday to celebrate the introduction of UK-based Tax Havens.

“Look, we know that those people living on Universal Credit, working on zero-hours contracts or caring for the sick and disabled are raking in the old moolah faster than a Tory MP at a Russian Oligarchs private villa!” Said Jacob Rees-Mogg

He explained that this is part of the Government’s levelling-up strategy.

“Everyone should have access to tax havens; it’s only fair. If they don’t have any money to put in them, it’s their own fault, no one else’s.”

Meanwhile, the poor were secretly delighted.

As the Daily Mail’s latest in-depth investigation fearlessly revealed, those on low incomes are only pretending not to have enough to eat or to be unable to turn on the heating. By living in damp, squalid conditions on drug-infested sink estates, they hope to convince the Government to give them loads of dosh.

Now the poor can squirrel money away in Government approved tax shelters and avoid paying the tax they weren’t eligible to pay in the first place.

“This plan will save me absolutely nothing, but it makes me proud to be British. If I am lucky enough to become a Billionaire, Millionaire or King, I will be able to move my money to Portsmouth and not pay for pensions, school and hospitals just like all the proper people.” Said Tory voter Ethel Jones (76).

One Tory MP sent out to justify making the rich richer explained this is a climate-friendly initiative.

“No longer will the super-rich have to fly their private jets loaded with suitcases of wonga to the Cayman Islands. Now they can toss them in the back of the Range Rover, toodle off to Grimsby on a Saturday morning, and be back in time for afternoon tea at the Ritz.” Said Sir Giles Shameless, a Government shill.