Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s).

Billy Bob Williams, speaking on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person responsible before adding, “And he was probably (insert specific non-white ethnicity, gender or sexuality), wasn’t he?”

“The wide availability of guns is in no way a contributing factor to the 566th mass shooting of the year,” the NRA man insisted.

Sheriff Billy Bob (insert surname) confirmed that (insert number) were killed and a further (insert number) were injured. The local (delete as appropriate; school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre) is on lockdown.

Former President Trump, currently on the tenth hole, will send his thoughts and prayers as soon as he is back in the clubhouse and has signed his scorecard. Members of the Republican Party would like to remind people that (delete as appropriate; guns kill people/they provide valuable jobs/it’s our constitutional right to take fully automatic assault weapons into school/ big bangs are cool) (N.B. Don’t mention that a good guy with a gun was unable to stop the senseless massacre).

“The 20,200 gun deaths we saw in (2020/1/2/3/4) are a small price to pay to keep our citizens safe.” said a spokesman for Fox News before adding, ” It’s all the fault of (insert culture war target here; Ru Paul/ Elton John/ Muslims/ Mexicans/ Immigrants/ Cubans/ Blacks and Atheists), God doesn’t like it.”

God was unavailable for comment. Although any God that allows such senseless slaughter is probably on holiday.

Meanwhile, the Democrats (insert meaningless half-hearted noises about gun control but don’t make too much fuss as we need the NRA’s friends and money.) “We really need to take a long hard look at our gun control laws and consider all the evidence before we try to sound concerned and caring but without actually doing anything,” said Sleepy Joe’s carer.

The massacre was globally reported in TV news broadcasts, just before the piece about the funny-shaped vegetable, by reporters noting that it doesn’t happen here.

Bookmakers have installed a Texas Church as the favourite in the race to host the next mass shooting.

Guns, making America less crowded by the day.

This message has been sponsored by the NRA, Smith and Wesson and The Republican Party.