The Right Honourable Berkley Hunt MP delivered his Autumn Statement and immediately faced accusations of graft, cronyism and naked self-interest. In a totally expected piece of grandstanding, he announced the Conservative’s largest increase in unemployment benefits and tax-cutting election bribes.

It was the increase in unemployment benefits which drew the strongest criticism.

The Right Hunt was forced into emergency measures given so many Tory MPs will lose their seats at the next election. Sir Giles Giles moaned, “Next year, I’ll lose my five jobs and become completely unemployable. If I can’t get paid for having the PM’s number on speed dial, what use am I? Why couldn’t Labour have left Jeremy Corbyn in charge? It’s so unfair.” 

Under the scheme, Jezza has introduced the Transitional Wage Allowance Tariff. TWAT allows anyone with income above £100,000 per annum, who becomes unemployable as a result of an unpatriotic electorate or bloody foreigners, to claim for essential items; the butler, the under-gardener and the family Waitrose Card. As they are all sound chaps, the benefit is not means-tested, and job centre registration can be done from their villa in Tuscany.

Additionally, TWATs will receive a complimentary copy of the Daily Fail, a ‘Fill up my Lexus’ card and Xmas hamper from John Lewis. 

On hearing the news, Sir Giles Giles said “I suppose it will have to do, I’ll just have to shoot one of the horses.”

When one particularly stroppy interviewer asked Sir Berkley, “Hang on, all you’ve done is grabbed few headlines, looked after your mates and not actually cut taxes. It’s all smoke and mirrors, isn’t it?”.

To which The Hunt said, “Bloody Trotsky interviewers, where’s Kuenssberg when you need her?” And “It’s all Labour’s fault anyway” before sidling off to look at the rental income from his property portfolio.

The final word goes to one Tik Tokker who politely chided the government for pretending that giving away peanuts would do any good when their “Fucking mortgage has gone up by £700 per month, energy costs have doubled, and the family are living on pound shop noodles.”

Meanwhile, your government continues.