Dachshunds and kittenBrexit

Jeremy Corbyn promises free kittens and puppies for everyone

If Labour wins the next election, Jeremy Corbyn has promised an increase in national happiness by giving a free puppy or kitten to every household in Britain.

In what is being hailed as a revolutionary new policy, Mr Corbyn aims to make Britain forget about its troubles and woes through the use of cute furry animals. Within 3 months of winning, every household will receive their new pet. Acceptance is mandatory.

Critics in the Tory Party chuntered on about cost, allergies and what happens if you don’t like small furry animals. Corbyn’s supporter responded by saying that the Tories were cruel and heartless, and the only animals they liked were ones they could shoot.

Voters were equally divided on the plan’s merits. Ian Napton said, “That’s one hell of a load of shite to clean up. Who’s going be left paying for the poo-bags? Me, that’s who!”

Faced with questions of cost, Labour said the scheme would pay for itself, somehow. Asked if this was due to increased taxation of Veterinary Surgeries, pet food suppliers and the people who make those silly little dog jackets, their spokesman said: “Don’t ask me mate, I’ve not got a Scooby*”.

The Lib Dems accused Labour of dividing the country into Cat or Dog people and announced they were the only party offering a real alternative. Under their plan, everyone would get their own Owl, which would also revitalise the country’s communications network.

*We have been asked to point out that Scooby-Doo is not available under the proposed plan and that a pet is for life, not just for the term of a Labour government.