Mon. Oct 26th, 2020
UKIP

Richard Braine (UKIP) has resigned from his position as Party Leader, despite not having done anything wrong.

Remarkably, Mr Braine hadn’t slept with any of his younger members of staff, his mates’ wives or behaved inappropriately with a model, rent boy or Jeanette Krankie. Financially, he hadn’t failed to declare; income, connections to dodgy businessmen, unsolicited cash payments nor had he embezzled expenses. Surprisingly, he hadn’t lied, cheated or said anything that was remotely homophobic, racist or misogynistic.

One member of staff said, “He was a real pleasure to work for, nice, polite, considerate and really hard working. He wouldn’t take anything in expenses, always made the tea when it was his turn and absolutely refused to blame the recent flooding on gay sex.”

Robert Peston offered a relevant analysis “One is left to wonder if he was really cut out for a career in politics, it was like he wasn’t really trying. It’s certainly not the kind of behaviour you would get from the current government.”

Meanwhile the UKIP supporter, Ian Napton was left bereft. “I can’t believe it, I thought this time I’d gotten it right. Now there’s no-one left to vote for and we’ll end up having to get an immigrant, or a woman, to do the job.”

In response to Mr Napton’s concerns, The Daily Mail has started a competition in which one lucky reader will get to lead UKIP for a year.

The contest is open to any white, middle-aged man with a bucolic complexion. To enter, simply send in a video of yourself shouting “Bloody Immigrants” to The Daily Mail, Blackshirt House, Fleet Street, Londonistan, D0 1NE.


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By The Crown Prince

As you can see from his regal bearing his majesty is a fine specimen of ape hood. By way of disclaimer any suggestion of parties involving a Prince of the Realm are unfounded.

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