Monkey News

Leaders Debate poll results show all four lost

A YouGov poll for the Chatty Chimp conducted with two thousand voters in the hours after Friday night’s live Leaders Debate on the BBC has concluded that all four candidates lost.

Jeremy Corbyn, denounced early in the broadcast as a “nice old grandpa,” put the ball in his own net by claiming he will negotiate a better deal on Brexit and run a second referendum, all in six months, but then stay neutral on the referendum, supporting neither his own deal nor remaining in the EU. Claiming that this will make him “an honest broker,” he failed to realise that no such job role exists. Being a nice old grandpa is an insufficient qualification to run the country.

After Corbyn’s own goal, Nicola Sturgeon took the ball straight to the other end of the field and missed an open goal. The move leading up to the chance was sublime. Silky one-touch politics from one end of the park to the other, putting her in front of goal and needing only to stroke the ball across the line. Alas, in demanding another referendum on Scottish Independence, she failed to see both that the surest guarantee of winning the vote would be to include English and Welsh Leave voters in the Referendum, and the irony of wanting to leave one Union whilst staying in another.

Jo Swinson scored a record defeat, even for a Liberal Democrat. Gambling that the twenty-nine million people who didn’t vote for Brexit might make her prime minister, she had conveniently forgotten until reminded that her voting record when in coalition with the Tories was less than admirable and managed to alienate even Remain voters. Jo now has more chance of winning the Grand National than becoming prime minister, according to bookmakers.

And so to Boris Johnson, who had enjoyed the advantage of watching his opponents show first why they are not fit to govern. Imagine a golfer playing the final hole who needs only to avoid a complete disaster to win. Boris had only to play an average game to emerge the victor. Alas, with pesky audience members pointing out he’s a cheating, lying, racist, self-interested Tory scumbag, Boris served up a double bogey and joined his colleagues in the losing camp. 

The public will ultimately choose between a charlatan and an incompetent, when, clearly, the winner should be #nota.

Meanwhile, Brexit and the General Election 2019 continue.

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