Thu. Jul 7th, 2022

In an attempt to make the Government feel more accessible to the general population, the Palace of Westminster souvenir shop is considering a range of scented candles invoking the atmosphere of the two chambers.

People will be able to repose in the relative comfort of their dwellings and share the experience of the chambers. Possibly whilst listening to Parliamentary debates on their crystal wireless sets or television devices (if they are middle class). They may also use the light from the candle for illumination whilst darning their socks

Government Gift Shop Salesperson

The candles, inspired by the recent popularity of scented candles reminiscent of Music Festivals and celebrity’s personas, will be a heady mix of the aromas pervading the two chambers.

The spokesman, who was assisted by a maid holding examples of the candles, went on to explain:

“The Commons candle will be a delightful mix of green leather and polished English oak, with undertones of designer apparel, freshly laundered money, Russian vodka, massage parlour oil and a hint of dry rot. A high-note of bullshit completes the experience.

The Lords candle is made from genuine tallow and embodies the essence of the upper house. There is red leather and polished oak, enhanced with undertones of embrocation oil, wig powder, ermine and a whiff of cabbage. An unforgettable fragrance.”

Users are warned, however, not to light both candles in the same room:

“The result is highly soporific and could cause overwhelming narcolepsy” – Representative for Public Health England or whatever it’s called today.


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!