God and Lucifer duke it outMonkey News

The Battle between God and Lucifer goes down to the wire

The outcome of Armageddon is still uncertain as the tussle between God and Lucifer for the souls of the departed goes down to the wire.

The End of Days is being delayed because of a dispute between the two celestial parties over who has actually amassed the greatest number of souls and can therefore claim victory.

Much depends on whether Lucifer’s legal challenge before the Supreme Court of Spectral Rights. Lucifer has asked the court to rule that the souls currently waiting in purgatory should not be counted.

Meanwhile at a rally for the unfaithful in Hell, Michigan;

We don’t want them to suddenly find a cohort of souls at four in the morning and start adding them to the list of the redeemed.

Lucifer, bringer of Light and Hotelier

We still have the Four Horsemen; the best Horsemen; really fine horsemen y’know? War, Death, Famine and Pestilence; you guys should stand down and stand by.

Il Don, Satanic Representative

Lucifer’s lawyers that claim post-death forgiveness is ‘redemption fraud’ and counting of souls in purgatory must be stopped. Christ the redeemer’s legal team counter that original sin introduces built-in ‘damnation bias’ and is ‘redemption suppression’.

We are going to count every soul, even those arsesouls in government.

St Peter, Keeper of the Ledger of Souls

The Devil may have the best tunes, but It ain’t over until Gabriel blows that horn baby!

Joshua, Horn Blower

Meanwhile, we should have a result in another thousand years or so.

Categories:Monkey News, Politics

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