“I was quite happy with the downgrade, it saved an awkward conversation with my over achieving parents. I just want to go to Uni to drink, smoke pot and meet girls that I’ll totally fail to get off with.” Typical Student
Gavin, why did you do that to me? cries chronic underachiever
Humans kicked out of Ape family in disgrace
Humans booted out of the Ape tribe. “Strategically shaved idiot, more like” says Ape
Man United crash out of the UEFA LDV Vans Coca-Cola Shield
Man United, booted out of Europe’s second most pointless trophy, they don’t even have the consolation of a consolation prize in Le Consolation cup.
For Scrying Out Loud
Government to replace the algorithm with scrying and casting the runes.
Government launch Operation Sunkirk to bring Brits home
We need to get these people home before they realise how much better off they are in France
Government changes procurement rules to the Service Contract Assignment Method (SCAM)
The Service Contract Assignment Method will ensure transparency when it comes to bribes and back handers
Isolated tribe of Special Advisers roam the corridors of power
It appears that the policies they have devised are so impenetrably convoluted that even the politicians can’t understand them.
Yorkshire people are banned from London
They are easy to identify with their, pasty white skin, glum expression and ginger tinge
Fantasy Theme Park visit doesn’t have a happy ending
It was pink and glittery as advertised, but the skin looked suspiciously like spandex.
Ryan Air launch Calais/Dover Ferry Service
Anyone refusing to pay, has the option to swim, after all, it’s a free country. What’s more, our landing points are miles away from anywhere, just like the real thing!
Illegal partygoers to be Strung Out!
Strung Out said “We have all been at a party where someone gets an acoustic guitar and starts playing Wonderwall: The room clears in seconds.
Management Consultants go to Hell
Satan calls in the Management Consultants after receiving a bigger tax bill than Amazon
The Chatty Chimp 