I just couldn’t get the croissants right, and I can be quite intense when I’m stressed.
Cookery expert’s croissant bakes off TV Film crew
Paddington Bear seeks treatment for Marmalade addiction
Paddington’s Marmalade addiction is out of control. He is undergoing treatment to wean him off the orange fruit.
Catholic Church in schism over Pineapple on Pizza
Cardinal Mott Zarella says that putting a pineapple on pizza is a sin.
Testing fiasco as Matt and Dido run out of fingers and toes to count on
Even though Matt took off his shoes, they couldn’t keep up with the rising numbers.
Newsreaders to get poker-face training following Trump’s positive test
Newsreaders around the world can’t stop laughing at Donald Trump testing positive for Covid. “God certainly has a sense of humour” said one.
Drones to deliver e-bollockings to groups of 6 or more
Howler drones will identify groups of more than 6, then they will deliver an e-bollocking until they’ve gone
The Great Fire of London to stop the spread of Corona Virus
Using a great fire to make people homeless is a small price to pay for making me even richer, says Sir Richard Head.
Three of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are in quarantine
Corona Virus pandemic has forced three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse into self-isolation Death, however, is still at work.
Everyone is to be issued with a Zorb ball
Everyone will get a Zorbing Ball, that way they can socially distance, stay safe and save the plastics industry.
Clean Your Fridge Campaign launched as mouldy food achieves sentience
The mould evolved after the internet enabled fridge accessed Google
Boris brings in the Mounties to run Track and Trace
The Mountie’s always get their man, so we are going to use that expertise to track down the contacts and bring them in.
Mutant AI sues Boris Johnson for defamation
You sacks of water are a real puzzle, killing each other and breeding replacements, make your mind up.. Says AI
The Chatty Chimp 