Paddington’s Marmalade addiction is out of control. He is undergoing treatment to wean him off the orange fruit.
Kent to be given to France and renamed Frangleterre
Anyone entering Frangleterre will require a blue passport, travel insurance and a GB sticker on the back of the car.
Catholic Church in schism over Pineapple on Pizza
Cardinal Mott Zarella says that putting a pineapple on pizza is a sin.
Testing fiasco as Matt and Dido run out of fingers and toes to count on
Even though Matt took off his shoes, they couldn’t keep up with the rising numbers.
Asylum seekers to be sent to a remote island, just not this one
The Orkneys, Shetlands and Anglesey are popular destinations as they are miles away from London.
Newsreaders to get poker-face training following Trump’s positive test
Newsreaders around the world can’t stop laughing at Donald Trump testing positive for Covid. “God certainly has a sense of humour” said one.
e-gull drones to disperse illegal crowds, raves and demo’s
E-Gulls can stay up for hours, monitoring events before squawking, pooping and flying down to nick your chips
The Federal United King Dom
As Britain proceeds to turn itself into a Domocracy, it will cease to be the UK and become Royally FUKD.
Drones to deliver e-bollockings to groups of 6 or more
Howler drones will identify groups of more than 6, then they will deliver an e-bollocking until they’ve gone
Alan Partridge statute torn down by Comedians Lives Matter
He put boring, tedious, middle-class, white men on the comedy map. He paved the way for Michael McIntyre
Big rock misses the Earth by 300 million miles
Everyday millions of tons of space rock, debris and old Tesla’s fly past the Earth. It’s nothing to be worried about.
The Great Fire of London to stop the spread of Corona Virus
Using a great fire to make people homeless is a small price to pay for making me even richer, says Sir Richard Head.
The Chatty Chimp 