All Mr S Atan wanted in return was my eternal soul, and as it doesn’t exist I was happy to sign it over.
Mike Cashley to use the Legions of the Damned to keep his shops open
Weinstein tests positive and begins 23 years isolation
He is well cared for, the neighbours are keeping a close eye on him, meals are shipped in and the alzheimer’s is coming along nicely
French fashion labels to bling COVID-19 face masks
Bringing a bit of je ne sai quoi to the international pandemic.
NHS Staff to be fitted with Gimp Suits to meet PPE shortage
We’re all doing very well, says Government. We are ordering the fetish wear because we want to make sure staff are fully protected and not because we forgot
Netflix to buy ITV 1970s comedy, Crossroads and Mrs Brown’s Boys
When it comes to providing the quality streaming tv we won’t be beaten says Netflix executive
Teenage boys in danger of dehydration from excessive ‘activity’ warns Doctor
Teenage boys likely to engage in ‘activity’ more often than a Bonobo on Crack
Theresa May hospitalised after pissing herself with laughter at Boris’s troubles!
Theresa has become severely dehydrated as she is constantly pissing herself with laughter. If Boris doesn’t stop it could kill her.
At least the Corona Virus will reduce pension payments, says Boris
Not only will this free hospital beds, allow us to cut social services, solve the TV license problem we will save a fortune in pension payments
In the face of a national crisis, Boris rekindles the Blitz Spirit
Please gather together in tube stations and sing rounds of ‘My Old Man’s a Dustman’
Burglar given benefits after everyone starts working from home
“I provide a valuable social service” says burglar.”I shouldn’t lose out just because I can’t work from your home!”
Police hunt for the last Australian yet to appear in Neighbours
Cobber is asked to come forward and fulfil his public duty by appearing in an episode of the show
Priti Patel to fight for UFC title under the name Paticake
“I can take those bitches down. I eat pussies like you for breakfast” says Paticake
The Chatty Chimp 